Henny Youngman

Henny Youngman


Author Profession: US Comedian
Born: March 16, 1906
Died: February 24, 1998
Birth Sign: Pisces


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Henny Youngman quotes

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Nobody knows what anticipation is anymore. Everything is so immediate. Joan Jett age

If your mind is at work, we're in danger of reproducing another cliche. If we can keep our minds out of it and our thoughts out of it, maybe we'll come up with something original. Peter Falk

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