For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
I can speak Esperanto like a native.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
I'm a hero with coward's legs.
I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
It's all in the mind, you know.
It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.
I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?