My life needs editing.
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
I didn't think that anything is beyond humor - not profane humor, but a good, honest approach to humor.
Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
I'm a radical, and I always have been.
I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.
A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.
I used to go to two movies every week for the Saturday matinee when I was a kid.
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.
If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.
When people write comedy from neutrality, it just gets kind of silly.