Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.