Henny Youngman

Henny Youngman


Author Profession: US Comedian
Born: March 16, 1906
Died: February 24, 1998
Birth Sign: Pisces


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Henny Youngman quotes

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

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