Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
The status quo sucks.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
Always do whatever's next.