04/01/2000, Menlo Park, California

An undisclosed source at Hewlett-Packard, on condition of remaining anonymous, has informed an IHR correspondent that the hardware giant expects to release a new line of printers using the top-secret PCL-3D technology.

"This new printing technology represents a quantum leap in desktop publication ability for medium- to large-scale businesses," an anonymous source gushed at an undisclosed saloon late yesterday, "Epson will be eating our dust for years."

The new technology arrives on the heels of several mysterious agreements made in shady wooded glades and Silicon Valley parking garages, between HP executives and representatives from a wide variety of manufacturing companies such as Kraft Foods and Dupont.

Our correspondent was persuaded to investigate the voluble HP employee's claim, and was led to a small free-standing garage, not unlike the one shown in recent HP advertising. There, he was shown a 3' x 4' x 2' black device, into which the HP employee emptied a package of lime-flavored Jell-O^TM. He then showed our correspondent an architectural plan in a popular AutoCAD program, which he sent to the printer.

After much whirring, clicking, and a noise so high-pitched that dogs could be heard howling three blocks away, the device delivered a small paper plate, on which stood an eight-inch cube of quivering acid-green Jell-O. Our correspondent was only mildly impressed, until he looked closer and saw that the Jell-O contained a precise, see-through, three-dimensional image of an Eichler tract home, complete with wiring, plumbing, and structural components!

"We can also do it in Lucite^TM. This Jell-O-Jet printer is going to blow 'em all away," crowed the anonymous drunken employee, quivering very much like the product in his hand.

"Yeah, but how does it taste?" our intrepid correspondent was quick to ask.

Before the HP employee could answer, the screeching suddenly increased, several amber lights began to flash, and a large puddle began to spread on the floor around the Jell-O-Jet. An indeterminate number of neighborhood dogs were baying and scratching at the door outside. A low rumbling noise developed, and built steadily until it sounded and felt like a locomotive passing underfoot. A thin stream of green smoke began to issue from the machine. Then, there was a huge explosion, scattering garage parts, howling dogs, green slime, and the two men over a two-block radius of the otherwise quiet neighborhood.

Our correspondent was dazed and bruised, but avoided serious injury. Stumbling back to the smoking crater where the garage had once stood, he found the twisted wreckage of the black machine. It was clear the damage was irreparable; the only thing still operational was a small LCD display that read, "104 PLEASE CLEAR JELLOPATH."

Bill Cosby's office was unavailable for comment.